how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize