i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Did I show you my penis last night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
