Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
