I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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