how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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