I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
