clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize