i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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