went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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