Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
