I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You took a bar mat shot.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
