I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
