just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
