Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
