Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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