i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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