Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
