So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We have so much sex to catch up on
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
