You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
