oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
