I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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