So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
