wanna go halves on a baby?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
