i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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