I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
