Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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