I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
His nipple licking is glorious
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