he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
