Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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