Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
