90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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