I wish my penis had an off switch
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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