I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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