So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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