I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
