Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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