Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
