Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
