i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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