she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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