I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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