Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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