One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
