omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
