You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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