don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
