my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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