I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
