Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
