I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
