You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
