The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
