Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
