I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
