I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
