my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize