I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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