I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
