she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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