ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
