3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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